In this compelling interview, we delve into the inspiration behind Rudeness Rehab, a transformative guide aimed at addressing the pervasive issue of incivility in our society. John O’Brien, a seasoned mental health professional with nearly three decades of experience, shares the pivotal moments that ignited the desire to confront rudeness and promote respectful interactions. Through insights into the writing process, audience engagement, and the blending of psychological research with accessible communication, the discussion highlights the critical importance of fostering a culture of kindness in both personal and professional environments. Join us as we explore the motivations and aspirations behind this impactful work and learn how we can all contribute to a more civil society.
But First, who is John O’Brien?
John O’Brien is a professional speaker and executive coach who helps individuals and organizations create lower stress work environments that ignite employee engagement, increase productivity and strengthen profitability. He is a licensed psychologist, professional speaker, and executive coach in Portland, Maine with an over 30-year career in the mental health field as a clinician and adjunct faculty member at the University of Maine at Augusta. John is the author of the recently released book, “Rudeness Rehab: Reclaiming Civility in the Workplace and Your Home Space.”
- What inspired you to write Rudeness Rehab? Was there a particular moment or experience that pushed you to tackle this subject?
I always like to start answering this question by saying that I have been an expert on how to be rude all my life. :0)
I’ve worked for nearly 30 years, providing mental health treatment to individuals, couples, and families and have helped people develop better skills to manage emotions and communication. I have seen the damage that negative communication can do.
Then, I heard Dr. Christine Porath speak in 2017 about the impact of incivility and it was like a lightbulb went off for me. I wanted to bring together my work on skill development with my mission of helping people consider the ways that we are treating each other.
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, I thought that we would come together as a country, but instead we became more polarized. As the pandemic waned, I then hoped we would find a way back to treating each other with respect- but we then saw a “pandemic of incivility” that seemed only to worsen. I then felt compelled to write the book and raise people’s awareness that we have a choice about how we treat each other.
- How did your background in psychology and coaching influence the way you structured the book?
I wanted to have the book grounded in psychological research so that people could understand the science behind my recommendations. However, I also wanted it to be easy to read and understand, especially for those without a background in psychology.
My intent was to create a book that could be read in-depth or be skimmed for the highlights, which is why I have “the least you need to know” at the end of each chapter. I see it as a desk reference that people can use in the moment to remind themselves of how to deal more effectively with rudeness in others.
- Was there a specific audience you had in mind while writing Rudeness Rehab? Who do you think will benefit the most from it?
Although I hoped to write the book in a way that could be useful to anyone, my primary audience for the book was leaders in business and industries such as healthcare. I hear too often about rudeness and incivility in workplaces that create unnecessary stress for individuals and impairs their ability to perform their job.
We spend a good part of our lives working, and I wanted leaders to think about how to create work environments that feel safe and supportive. Many work environments these days are plagued by rudeness and so while all can benefit, I hope that workers can benefit the most.
- Your book addresses the growing issue of incivility. How did you go about researching and gathering real-world examples for your insights?
Unfortunately, researching this book was quite easy. I say “unfortunately” as I simply paid attention to interactions that I was seeing others having or that I was experiencing myself. I was talking to my clients, friends and family about what they were experiencing in their lives. So, the “real world” experiences were not hard to find. I then was able to use these experiences as a foundation and incorporate my background as a psychologist who teaches in the university setting and practices clinically. I could then draw on the research that serves as the foundation for my work with clients to support the recommendations.
- What was the writing process like for you? Did you face any challenges while organizing your thoughts into a book format?
Although I had written a book previously with a co-author, I knew that writing a book on my own was going to be a different process and could be lonely. Once I had a firm outline for the idea, I hired my editor, Eland Mann with Conversation Publishing, to help me organize my thinking and make the material flow together. I am very proud of the final product, but I do not think that I would have been as successful without the help and support of Eland.
- How do you hope Rudeness Rehab will impact readers? Have you received any feedback from readers that particularly stood out to you?
I have been increasingly concerned about the rude and demeaning behavior that we see modeled in leadership in politics, business and especially in social media in our society. People have become desensitized to this type of behavior and accept it as the norm without considering its impact. I want people to think more about the kind of society that we wish to create and to think about the behaviors that we tolerate in others, especially our leaders. When we tolerate or support negative behavior in our organizations or in our leadership, we are reinforcing it and saying that it is okay.
I have had people tell me that reading the book has raised their awareness of the negative impact of rudeness and incivility and motivated them to change their behavior.
- If someone only had time to take away one key lesson from Rudeness Rehab, what would you want that to be?
We all (okay…most of us!) want a more civil and much less rude society. However, people want OTHERS to change their behavior. We cannot control what others do or do not do. Creating a more civil society begins within each of us and the choices we make in how to behave and respond to others. As writer Arleen Lorrance once said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
- Do you see yourself writing more books in the future? If so, would they be along the same lines of psychology and personal development, or would you explore other topics?
The original manuscript for Rudeness Rehab was nearly 100,000 words. This book is the first in a two-part series and I hope to publish the other book next year. This second book takes practical mindfulness skills and applies them to situations of incivility.
I see myself writing other books in the future on personal development and practical skills to manage the challenges we as humans encounter in our everyday lives.
- As an author, what was the most rewarding part of bringing Rudeness Rehab to life?
I think that the most rewarding part of publishing this book has been hearing feedback from others about how helpful it has been to them. People report that it has raised their self-awareness about their own behavior and motivated them to try to “do better” each day. This is exactly why I wrote the book and what I hope that it can do for other people as well.
- How did you balance the academic side of psychology with making the book accessible to a general audience?
This was particularly challenging for me as I had mostly written for peer-reviewed publications and other mental health professionals. This is more of a “scientific” style of writing which does not lend itself to writing for the general public.
I had to adapt my writing style to reduce the number of psychological terms that might not be understood by those outside the field (aka, “psychobabble) and make the language accessible while also still using research as the foundation for my arguments. My editor was very helpful in shaping my writing for the more general audience.
I hope that you find value in the book and enjoy the material. Let’s “civil-ize” the world together, one interaction at a time.
Thank you John O’Brien for taking the time to share your insights about Rudeness Rehab. Your thoughtful perspectives on fostering civility and respect in our interactions are not only inspiring but essential in today’s society. We appreciate your dedication to promoting kindness and your willingness to engage with us.
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